You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Come see our sink grown plant.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
