margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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