if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
