He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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