haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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