By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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