sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
