i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
