You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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