bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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