Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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