like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
