I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
