I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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