I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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