What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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