my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
