It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I will pee on everything he values.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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