no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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