I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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