Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
