I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We have so much sex to catch up on
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
