I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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