i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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