even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
