I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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