I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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