Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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