Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
