If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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