Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
