Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
