the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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