Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
