My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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