Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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