My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
