I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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