At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
