She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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