apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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