I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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