Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
