youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
