sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
