She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
