Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
