Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
