maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
