the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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