Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
